


Gay Old Time

by M1ssUnd3rst4nd1ng



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: And his kids are going to enjoy it for an equally long time, Bruce is going to regret this oversight for a very long time, Gen, Humor, I do not apologize for things that make me giggle, Including puns, Kind of a what if?? I guess??, Middle of the night shenanigans, No specific timeline or canon, Not Slash, Nothing actually sexual though it's suggested and discussed, So does Steph but at least she's actually trying, Tim Drake needs more sleep, possibly crack, quite a bit actually
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-05
Updated: 2019-06-05
Packaged: 2020-04-08 12:55:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19107523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/M1ssUnd3rst4nd1ng/pseuds/M1ssUnd3rst4nd1ng
Summary: The Batfamily has worked very hard to stop people from guessing that Bruce Wayne and the Batman are the same person. They have not considered alternate theories as to the connection, as they are about to find out and Bruce is about to regret.





	Gay Old Time

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Batman, any associated characters, places, concepts, or storylines; all rights belong to DC and creators.
> 
> Secondary disclaimer: This is a work of fiction, told from the point of view of a fictional character reading something written by another fictional character. None of the views expressed herein are my own.

That trilling sound was really annoying. Steph was not ready for morning.

Wait, trilling?

Abruptly, she shoved herself up, twisting.

Her alarm _beeped_. That sound was the secure communications line for the hero network.

Swearing under her breath, rapid-fire and repetitive, she launched herself at her laptop, pried the lid up, and jostled the mouse into the correct place to open the window.

It was Tim, wheezing and making whining noises, face red and twisted and way too close and at too awkward of an angle.

"Tim?" It came out strangled and high-pitched and louder than she wanted and she followed it with another round of swearing, which only increased when he shifted back and she saw that he was laughing, hysterically and helplessly.

The instant thought of the Joker made her skin break out in a cold sweat and her mind race. Had he broken out and got to Tim already? How had he found Tim? Was anybody else compromised? Barbara—Barbara hadn't contacted her and she was always on top of Joker news. Had he orchestrated this from inside Arkham or had he already gotten to Barbara and the big man and—?

"You gotta—" Tim wheezed. A second later, another window opened on her screen and her mind instantly switched to analyzing whatever it was that Tim thought was most important, because he was the smartest person she knew and—

This was an internet forum. One for gossip and speculation about the Gotham heroes that they were all familiar with and Tim monitored regularly. The post displayed was headed "BIG CLUE" and began, "Okay, to start, I have _not_ figured out the Batman's identity." This . . . this had nothing to do with the Joker. This was not a crisis.

It was four in the morning. She had classes in five hours. She'd just gotten home an hour and a half ago (which Tim _knew_ , because they'd been working _together_ ).

And speaking of Tim, "Weren't you supposed to be going to bed?" she asked, eyes narrowed dangerously.

"Yeah, yeah," Tim said distractedly, sobering enough to wave her off and actually talk. "Just wanted to do the rounds first, been a couple days. Read it." He started laughing again, apparently in anticipation.

"Tim. You haven't slept in two days and I'm not sure the night before that totally counts. You've been running ragged and you look half-dead, which you probably are, considering _your immune system is compromised by not having a spleen_."

In response, the window with the forum got bigger and the chat window smaller. She rolled her eyes and dutifully started reading.

_BIG CLUE_

_Okay, to start, I have_ not _figured out the Batman's identity. I MAKE NO CLAIMS AS TO THE IDENTITY OF THE BATMAN IN THIS POST!!!!!!_ NONE!! _I don't want comments acting like I did._

 _I haven't figured out who he is, but I think I've found a way we_ can _figure it out._

_I think I know who the Batman's dating._

_Bruce Wayne._

Steph stopped.

Read the last two lines again.

_"I know who the Batman's dating. Bruce Wayne."_

And again.

_Batman. Dating. Bruce Wayne._

And again.

_The seriously gross mental image of Bruce making out with the Batman suit possessed by some kind of ghost made up entirely of his ego._

She shuddered, scrunching her eyes closed and mock gagging. Tim started giggling maniacally again.

"Keep reading," he advised.

_I think I know who the Batman's dating._

_Bruce Wayne._

At this point, the words were basically the nails-on-a-chalkboard sound in her head and running down her spine.

_I know, I know. "Why would the Dark Knight date the goofiest dork in the city." Bear with me._

How about no, Steph thought.

_Okay._

Not okay.

 _First of all, it's a known fact that Bruce Wayne supports the Batman, financially and with tech. Like, to an unreasonable extent. I know Wayne always supports what's good for the city, but Batman, Inc. and all the stuff you_ know _went on in secret before that, that's_ beyond _. That's the kind of support you throw behind someone you_ know _and_ trust _, like,_ personally _. Only a complete idiot would throw that kind of power behind a complete stranger—one who's a mystery to the whole city and who people have always been suspicious of, especially at the beginning; one who could have been a villain. And Bruce Wayne is clearly not that kind of idiot, because if he was, he wouldn't own half the city._

These were some very valid points. If it weren't for the stated belief that Batman and Bruce Wayne were dating, she would have been very worried.

 _Obviously, there's also the whole thing where the Wayne family is always getting out of kidnap attempts and supervillain attacks safely, where Batman and half the JL come running, but there are other explanations for that (like it's part of the deal for the support or it's because the Wayne family_ gets _kidnapping attempts more than anybody else or even because they're basically Gotham's first family or whatever), so I'm not leaning on it too heavily as proof, just putting it out there because it definitely doesn't hurt my theory._

No, it didn't. It also didn't hurt the "theory" that Bruce Wayne was Batman, but that was very clearly not the point here.

 _There's also the fact that Wayne's attempts to help the city sometimes line up with the Batman's work a little too closely. You guys mostly know what I'm talking about—it was one of the leading reasons some of us theorized Batman and Bruce Wayne had a connection before they went public with it with Batman, Inc.—but for those of you who don't, here are a few threads on the subject:_ here _,_ here _, and_ here _you go. I fully admit that some of these are individually pretty thin, and that Batman, Inc. and even that fact that they are both working towards the good of the same city are also plausible explanations, but there's a pattern here that can't be denied and definitely doesn't hurt my theory. Also remember that I'm still just establishing background at this point._

Everything up to this point, was either common knowledge, openly admitted, or it was something that had been hashed out on these types of forums dozens of times in dozens of different ways, all of which Bruce and Tim (and the rest of them, but mostly Bruce and Tim) were careful to plant rebuttals for. So, nothing to be worried about. At least not yet.

_So, they definitely know each other and have at least some level of communication. That's fact. Everybody with me so far?_

Yes.

_Good._

_Why do I think they're dating? I'm glad you asked. Hang on, kids, cause this is where we go deep into theory._

_Now, I'm not going to just throw out the amount of time they seem like they've known each other and worked together to some extent, because I hate when people say "you can't be that close to somebody for that long and not be together" like that's actual_ proof _. I will say that that amount of time in close company is certainly not proof that they_ can't _be dating. I will also point out that during that time (which, since we don't know when they actually met, could include as far back as when Batman first became known or even as far back as when Wayne took over WE), Bruce Wayne has had very few, if any, actually meaningful public relationships (and, yes, I'm aware that he might just have tried to keep any such relationships private, but it's_ Bruce Wayne _and this is Gotham; he's in the news pretty much every other day and his Instagram is followed by like half the city and frequently updated). And I will remind you that underneath that mask the Batman is still a person and has the same needs as everyone else; casual relationships are probably hard when you're doing the kind and amount of work the Bat does (seriously, where and how would you even meet anybody), relationships of any kind are probably hard/impossible when you have to lie about who you are and what you do with all of your time (not just romantic relationships, but also friends and family), so it's either a long-term relationship where you trust your partner enough to let them in on the secret or nothing and that's a long time to go with nothing. (On the other hand, if I'm wrong, there's a good chance the Batman is a seriously lonely dude.)_

That was actually a decent argument. If she didn't know better, Steph would totally be devouring this theory (and did she really know better? Bruce was kinda in love with Batman, it was just extra weird because he technically was Batman).

 _"But Bruce Wayne dates women!" A. Bisexuality is a thing. B. Beards are a thing (and if you're hiding a relationship with the Batman, they seem like a_ really _good idea). C. There is something to the way he looks at Clark Kent from the Daily Planet, amirite? As for whether or not the Batman is gay, dude dresses up like a bat, giant cape and all, and stalks the night; I'm not usually one to stereotype, but . . ._

_"But they have nothing in common!" A. They both love Gotham. B. For all that Bruce Wayne is cheery and a bit dopey and the epitome of rich, his parents were murdered in front of him when he was just a little kid and he was raised by a butler in an enormous house completely isolated from everyone else; he's gotta have some issues. And the Batman dresses up like a bat and stalks the night relentlessly, as previously mentioned, so you've gotta wonder if there's some deep-seeded trauma there, too. C. They're like, yin and yang? Peanut butter and jelly? Gotham's Dark Knight and White Knight? That's more poetic than I normally am, but like, they're opposites but the same and honestly, who else is good enough for the Batman (or Bruce Wayne for that matter)?_

Okay, this was a weirdly plausible theory. Steph had to hand it to this person, they were definitely good. With all the "proof" Bruce and Tim had planted to make the idea that Bruce Wayne and Batman were the same person seem ridiculous, all the effort they'd put into timelines and personalities to throw people off the scent, there was no way any logical person would go there, unless they were Bruce and Tim level smart (especially since Tim had done exactly that). This was the next best thing. Color her impressed.

_And then there's the kids._

Oooh, where was this going?

 _Sure, a billionaire living in a ginormous mansion way out in Richville, miles from the nearest neighbor, is probably lonely, probably wants some companionship, but logic, human nature, and history would suggest starting with a partner instead of a kid or five to be the more likely route (not that I'm judging if that is the case). And_ these _kids especially—no offense to them, I just mean that the whole set up is a bit odd all together._

 _Okay, we know how he met Dick Grayson, the oldest: he was there the night the guy's parents died (this is well-known, but in case you're from Metropolis or something,_ here _'s an article about that night, complete with picture of Bruce Wayne in attendance). And we can reasonably trace from there how a guy who watched his parents die might feel connected to a kid who just had the same thing happen to him, even enough to take him in (and I know this could potentially disprove the point I made in the last paragraph, but they're not necessarily contradictory; there's a difference between wanting to help a kid and a bachelor not nearly old enough to actually be a father to a kid that age and with absolutely no experience just deciding to raise him)._

_I'm not having a serious problem tracing between Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson and how they became family, or Bruce Wayne and Tim Drake (who basically is Bruce Wayne all over again and who came after Wayne had already established a family with two kids), and I could maybe stretch my imagination to seeing Damian Wayne as Bruce Wayne's biological kid (only because he looks vaguely like pictures of Wayne at the same age and there have been enough one-night stands in the news that it's not an impossibility)._

_My main problem(s) is with Jason Todd, the late second son, and Cassandra Cain, the only daughter (and yes, a little with Damian Wayne)._

_Jason Todd—public records are a bit murky, but videos of interviews with him (_ example _,_ example 2 _, and_ example 3 _) show a Gotham accent pretty distinct to Crime Alley and early gossip magazine articles (_ example _,_ example 2 _) and even an article in the Gotham Gazette (_ here _) suggest the same (and murky public records definitely don't_ not _support that). So, I'd say it's fact that Jason Todd is from the Alley. And anybody who knows anything about the Alley and takes even a cursory glance at the gaps in his records can make an educated guess that Jason Todd was a street kid before he was a Wayne. Now, how does_ Bruce Wayne _come across a likely street kid in Crime Alley? Maybe he visits the place where his parents died. Or_ maybe _the Batman found the kid and_ brought _him to Wayne. And if that's the case, then even if they aren't co-parenting they are definitely more than acquaintances. (While on the subject of Jason Todd, I would like to point out that he is supposedly dead, but that there are_ indications _he might not be. Weird if he's just a Wayne; less so if he's also the Batman's kid. I am not in any way stating that Jason Todd is definitely alive, I'm merely putting the possibility here because if it_ is _true, then it adds support to my theory.)_

They had tried to squash those rumors, but Jason liked them and kept getting intentionally spotted. This probably wouldn't change that.

 _Cassandra Cain—public records are not murky, public records are_ bare _. Cassandra Cain did not exist on public record until shortly before she was a Wayne. She appeared out of nowhere, got hastily filed paperwork of the kind you see when an abandoned kid is found and the government gives them a birth certificate with the bare minimum filled in just so they have one, and then she was a Wayne. She was mostly noted as very quiet (_ example _,_ example 2 _,_ example 3 _) or downright silent (_ example _,_ example 2 _) in articles around the time of her appearance and there was speculation that she was actually mute (see above examples, plus_ here _and_ here _). She was also notably withdrawn. There is no concrete evidence that she was abused prior to becoming a Wayne, afaik, but these are definitely indicators. That, plus the fact that she didn't exist on paper beforehand, plus the fact that there is no solid indication of how she met the others (only Bruce Wayne's vague, press release/public statement_ here _, the only one any family member has made that I could find), begs the question: How did Bruce Wayne come to adopt a possibly abused kid of mysterious origins? As with Jason Todd, I suggest that the Batman introduced them._

That was fair. Steph loved Cass, but she had to acknowledge that that girl was not normal, especially when she first showed up. Or when she did ridiculous splits for hours like they were nothing when Steph hurt just watching her.

_Damian Wayne—honestly, I've got nothing specific here, he's just a weird kid with a penchant for threatening people that reads more "Batman" than "Bruce Wayne."_

Also fair.

 _Look, I like the Wayne family, all of them, and I'm not trying to say anything bad about them with all of this, but you've gotta admit they're a weird bunch. Unless you factor in the Batman. If I'm wrong and the Batman isn't the missing piece of the puzzle to figuring out the Wayne family, then I apologize for pointing out their weirdness (and I would actually really like an explanation). But if Bruce Wayne and the Batman_ were _in a serious relationship and decided they were ready for kids, the Wayne family is exactly what you'd expect._

A very valid point, given that some of the kids technically were introduced to the family via Batman and others via Bruce.

_So, to sum up: Bruce Wayne and the Batman know each other, communicate, and work together on some level (fact); there is nothing in Bruce Wayne's public history or what we know about the personalities of either him or the Batman that discounts the idea that they might be in a relationship, and in fact a lot that supports it; and the possibility that the Batman is co-parenting the Wayne kids with Bruce Wayne would explain a lot, especially how some of the kids came to be part of the family._

_So that's what I've got. Let me know what you think._

Well, what Steph thought was that your idea was very valid, but a little gross.

The top comment, immediately underneath the bottom of the post just read " _Batman tops_." Steph snorted. That was definitely true, though not in the sense they meant (which she _definitely did not want to think about_ ).

The second was long, questioning which of the two was the "sugar daddy" of the hypothetical relationship and providing support for both sides to indicate their inability to decide. There was a raging debate in the thread below, which Steph initially scrolled past in disgust, but came back to out of curiosity. (The more she was reading this stuff, the less disgusting and the more hilarious she was finding it; she did not want to think about Bruce's sex life, but if you removed the sex out of it and thought of it in terms of just _Bruce's life_ and the constant struggle between Batman and Bruce Wayne, it was actually hysterical.) General consensus seemed to be that Bruce was "sugar daddy" in the traditional sense of the term, but Batman was "daddy" (there was a smaller thread within the larger about whether that meant Bruce was then just "sugar" that left Steph in tears thick enough that she couldn't continue for a few minutes).

Third was " _the question isnt whether batmans gay its whether hes a furry_." This also sparked quite the debate. Steph honestly couldn't answer that one. And couldn't stop thinking about it. She tried to scroll past, but came back and read the comment four times before she successfully moved on. If she thought Bruce would know what a furry was, she'd ask him; she did not want to risk him not knowing and have to explain.

The fourth began " _FALSE_ " and continued to list "reasons" that made absolutely no sense; Steph found herself getting mad and defending the original post in her head before she realized what she was doing and shook the thought off.

The fifth started another long thread of debate with the proposition " _so ur suggesting bruce wayne's kids are yours (jason todd, cassandra cain) mine (dick grayson, tim drake) and ours (damian wayne)_." That actually . . . huh. That made a certain amount of sense and she could tell that wasn't gonna leave her alone anytime soon either. She scrolled down the thread and uh-oh, there was the suggestion that some of the Wayne kids might also be some of the Bats. Everybody but Tim, actually, though several people were hotly debating any and all of them. She could see some posts from Tim under various user names discounting the idea with some of the carefully constructed lies he and Bruce had been seeding for years to misdirect anyone looking for their identities; she added some of her own, commenting support on his and pointing out other things. She took great pride in sarcastically asking where the rest of them came from in that case, citing herself and Barbara-before-Oracle.

The sun was rising at this point, so she skimmed through the rest to find more of the same (silly posts, actual debate on the theory raised in the opening post), plus a long line of replies that consisted entirely of emoticons, mostly variations of laughter, and " _rofl_ " and the like. She could come back later.

Tim had fallen asleep while she read—finally—but at the desk with his head awkwardly squished against his keyboard sideways. It took her three attempts to rouse him enough to send him to bed.

Shaking her head—trying to clear it of the circling thoughts raised by some of the more interesting suggestions—she closed her laptop and stretched, then took a shuffling step sideways and fell like a tree across her bed, scooping up her pillow and squishing it against her and half under her head with her eyes already closed. She was definitely calling Bruce "sugar" the next time she saw him, she thought, and fell asleep with a smile.

**Author's Note:**

> And when Tim finally wakes up, he sends it to every member of the Batfamily (except Bruce) and certain members of the Justice League.
> 
> Steph does call Bruce "sugar." Dick falls over laughing. Barbara captures his expression from a security camera and passes it around. Jason permanently changes Bruce's contact in his phone to "Sugar (Not Daddy)." Bruce wishes he had a co-parent.
> 
> I have no idea where this came from. I can say that it is an amalgamation of various headcanons, some of which I wasn't actually aware I had and others that I can't say for sure aren't actually canon. I imagine that after Tim and as technology and information availability increased, Bruce would have taken even more precautions to discount the "theory" that he was Batman. I imagine that Tim Drake, being a child of technology, and basically Bruce in miniature, and prone to working himself to the point of exhaustion because he has anxiety, would regularly take to the internet to redirect public opinion on the Bats (and likely everyone else) in the case that anyone gets even remotely close (the fact that I have been reading Identity Crisis did not help this idea). I imagine, and this one was partially informed by some similar ideas I saw on Pinterest (originally from tumblr), that Bruce Wayne (and the rest) have active social media accounts for the express purpose of extending their public image and securing cover for their secret identities (if Bruce Wayne is posting cheery pictures from wine country while Batman is fighting an Arkham breakout, they're obviously not the same person, plus the man owns several news outlets so why wouldn't he also go for non-traditional information-sharing sites); I further imagine that these accounts are maintained by a complex combination of the individual the account belongs to, Barbara and Tim, and an app that they and Bruce made to preload excuses. At this point, in my headcanon, anyone suggesting that Bruce Wayne is Batman is largely laughed at. However, it never occurred to Bruce to account for other theories people might have as to the (obvious) connection between the two. 
> 
> This does not take into account the reveal of Dick's identity as Nightwing for the sole reason that I do not know enough about it at this time and can't trust that it hasn't somehow been reversed (massive memory removal or something). This is set in no particular time, because comics timelines are screwy anyway. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed! As usual, comments, critiques, and constructive criticism are more than welcome as I am always looking to improve!
> 
> Have a bright and happy day!
> 
> M1ssUnd3rst4nd1ng


End file.
